Motivation, in my eyes, is less of a positive thing and more of just the core principle of physics manifested within the human mind: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The direction of motivation, however, is in no means simply linear or even planar.
Examples in the more healthy direction - someone is lacking in skill for a particular field and much stronger in another. Instead of seeking to master multiple fields, the subject focuses the effort that would be used for the less skilled field on their stronger skill, in which they are motivated to specialize.
Now a little more human - a subject experiences immense grief and decides to use poetry as an outlet. The feel-good release associated with expressing themselves through the medium becomes a motivating focus. It's immediately less about getting over things, and more about the feel-good...as if it were a reward. Ultimately the hope is that the subject comes to terms with the grief and moves on, but this (I feel) is less of a 'goal' and more of a side effect of satisfying the feel-good craving.
And now less healthy - a subject experiences relatively high levels of rejection and isolation over a long period of time, in varying degrees of intensity across the entire social spectrum. The mind, being human as it is, begins to create an addiction to counteract said feelings - an addiction to attention. This attention creates such a strong sensation of worth and fulfillment that it quickly becomes a dangerous and consuming desire (read motivation). Without the attention, the subject grows desperate and manic. When left unchecked, this ultimately leads to self-destruction in one way or another.
There's no way to deny it. My motivation was attention. I wanted so badly to be respected and accepted by my peers that I wanted to do something that would be "my thing" in various social circles. I was never very popular in my work though, and I grew frustrated. My attitude started pushing away my friends, acquaintances, people I cared about, people I loved...and I eventually just got to the point where I was ready to give up.
Nearly a year ago, this month, I was possibly at the lowest point of my entire life. I had pushed away my family, lost ties with most of my groups of friends, ruined my relationship with one of my best friends, and even screwed things up with the people who did want to know me better. I couldn't even stand to be alone with myself.
The climax to it all, though, was that I didn't receive a single "Happy Birthday" on my Facebook page on my birthday. Now, that's a REALLY stupid and childish thing to get worked up over, but in my mind at the time, it was the coup de grâce. I just lost it. I honestly can't remember hardly a thing from the week or so following because I was completely gone. Every last drop of attention had be sucked out of my life, and I had been so dependent on it for my sense of self-worth for...I don't even know how long...4 years, maybe.
The most shaking part of the whole ordeal is that, at the time, I had no idea that's what I wanted. I was reacting, often manically, trying to satisfy a need. I didn't understand why I craved the things I craved or why I acted in certain ways, and trying to work through these thoughts often turned into an even bigger fiasco where I didn't accomplish anything and caused more damage to the people closest to me.
As I'm sure you can deduce from the nature of this blog and supporting posts, motivation out of obsession is hardly effective. In the end, despite everything, the site still failed. I sit here, typing as I reflect on my experiences, bitterly smirking at the irony of the whole damn mess. I'm glad I've taken the time to stop and reflect on this particular failure. While this blog was initially more of an acute analysis for personal record keeping, I've learned things about myself that expand far beyond, and I know there's still much more to learn.
Even as recently as my last post, I was still quite driven by that attention. Now that I've come to the realization of just how deeply that bled into my whole life, I have mixed feelings about what I've written and some of the directions I've begun to adventure in. I'm starting to rediscover motivation in a much more positive vector. There's a passion in art and music and working on projects in me, and I want to develop these passions to share them, talk about them, and grow with other people.
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